Home Is Where The Heart Is
By Jim Cofield
Home is where the heart is. Sounds encouraging. And it should be. Home should be the place where our souls are safe, encouraged, and loved. Home should be the best place to be.
But there is another way to think of the phrase, “Home is where the heart is.” And it isn’t necessarily good news. Because the state of our home, especially our family of origin when we are young, has a huge impact on where the heart is emotionally. And if the home system is not healthy or holy we will struggle when it comes to how close we can be emotionally.
Here are 8 Family Systems. What was yours and what do you think was its impact on your heart?
The Functional Family
Life is essentially defined by your role within the family system.
Persons understand their value and significance in terms of the task to perform and the amount of work they accomplish.
The experience of connectedness or intimacy is through the relational bonding that occurs in getting tasks done, and surviving against set-backs and obstacles.
The Dramatic Family
Life in the dramatic family system is continuously emotionally intense where someone is acting out some form of drama.
There is typically a crisis somewhere, and the family is emotionally structured around enduring, navigating, and occasionally resolving the drama. Only to have a new one emerge in due time.
The dramatic family is emotionally exhausting to some, while one or two dominant family members will sustain the drama.
The Traumatic Family
The traumatized family is one that is defined around surviving traumatic events be they natural disasters or financial devastation or drugs or disease or death or divorce or the adoption of a child with a Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Depending on the nature of the trauma such as sexual abuse a child will be adversely affected emotionally and the trajectory of the relational dynamics will also be deeply scared and distorted.
Trauma can serve to bring family together in an effort to overcome and strengthen the relational fabric of the family system or cause it to merely survive and maybe even disintegrate.
The Chaotic Family
The chaotic family is marked by confusion and the lack of adult leadership and authority and personal boundaries are not respected.
The adults in particular have abdicated their role of establishing order and ensuring that family practices such as appropriate grooming, sleep patterns, meal times, school attendance, proper attire etc. are established and maintained.
Often times within these family systems children have to fend for themselves and figure out life by themselves or along with peers.
The Moralistic Family
The moralistic family is the family focused on keeping the rules.
Without the rules the lawgiver is usually very anxious and if the rules are broken the rule-giver becomes angry.
The family typically disregards or dismisses what individuals are feelings. Feelings are typically unwelcome because they are unpredictable and messy. Children in this system are often compliant, at least until teen years!
The Authoritative Family
The authoritative family is dominated by an enforcer who is in charge and maintains control. The focal point is not primarily a moralistic framework, but the need to control.
So the enforcer may control not by issuing commands on right or wrong, but through anger, blaming, or physical force.
The enforcer is not bound to consistency, but may be orientated around his or her personal preferences on any given day or in any given circumstance.
The emotional atmosphere is unreliable and unpredictable.
Emotionally Entangled Family
The emotionally entangled family is marked by parents who use their children for their own sense of emotional stability and strength.
The parent(s) will often confide in their child inappropriate information about their marriage, or family problems. Emotionally entangled families often seek a child to be a mediator between parents.
The child will often suffer under the demand of being called upon to address adult needs that are beyond their capacity to hold and manage.
The Mature Inter-Dependent Family
Each member of the family is recognized as an individual. Family responsibilities are clear and role appropriate. Adults are adults and children are children.
Adults assign age appropriate tasks to children and have age appropriate expectations for teaching personal and family responsibilities.
Parents maintain authority, sustain clear boundaries, and demonstrate affection toward one another and all family members.
Poor choices have consequences and discipline is consistent.
Family members rely on each other for love, support, encouragement, and guidance that is role appropriate.
Members of the family understand differences between persons and accept differences.
Members of the family understand that no one is perfect. Apologies and forgiveness are extended and received.
Disagreements and conflicts are worked through to compromise, mutual understanding or a willingness to agree to disagree. But the fundamental relationships of love and support are not threatened or compromised.
Individual members are assisted in discovering their giftedness and encouraged to pursue their dreams and desires.
Thankfully, the Gospel is warm and strong enough to handle all of our defenses and dysfunctions. We come to Christ just as we are and, by his Spirit and his Community (the Church) we find forgiveness and healing. When HE is our home our hearts will be in a good place!