Freedom from Flattery
By Clif Roth
Our souls need affirmation. Flattery is not affirmation. Flattery is nice. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it’s kind, but it is nice. But nice won’t keep us alive. Flattery can never substitute for the life-giving power of an authentic affirmation of one’s self. But when something “almost works” our tendency is to believe that a little more of it will satisfy. Flattery has a way of tricking us in this way…sort of like a drug. So, we need to make sure we know the difference between healthy, organic affirmation and the short-lived effects of synthetic flatterization (I made up that word). I hope to help you and myself distinguish between the two by using these four categories:
Place (where?):
→ Affirmation is only found in vulnerable proximity to the person that is being affirmed. The kind of affirmation that our souls so desperately need can only come from a place of knowing and understanding. Sally, my wife, calls this seeing with “inside eyes.” Affirming another person with “inside eyes” requires a willingness to vulnerably move toward them and get close enough to truly see. God’s incarnation is our greatest affirmation and models the way.
→ Flattery comes from a socially distanced place that lacks particularity. We could say that flattery is “safer” than affirmation. It’s definitely less relationally risky. And this is probably the litmus test for telling the difference between the two. Flattery speaks praise without knowing the object of its attention. It’s like writing a book endorsement without personally knowing the author or critically engaging with their work.
Power (how?):
→ Affirmation is fueled by the true self – the good and beautiful parts of us that reflect the image of God and that enable us to see and honor His image in others. Affirmation is a natural response to Truth, Beauty and Goodness and speaks honestly with the intent to honor and bless.
→ Flattery is usually (not always) powered by the false self – the sinful parts of us that have been formed out of our self-preservation. Flattery is a strategy used to protect us or someone else from the pain of the truth. Flattery is a cheap substitute for honor and blessing. It attempts to gain the reward of affirmation without having to do the hard work of sifting through the pain of life to find the gold of truth, beauty, and goodness.
Purpose (why?):
→ Affirmation is about keeping a person in the “infinite game” of love which isn’t about winning and losing, but rather investing in relationships that are enchanted with the mystery of truth, beauty, and goodness. The affirmation game is played with a transcendent view of eternality.
→ Flattery is about rewarding a person for “finite win.” It certainly feels good for a moment but is fleeting and requires more and more and more to keep a person moving forward. It’s an instant gratification game and tends to draw lines that create clear winners and losers. Flattery plays well with “cancel culture” and other cult-creating games that are being played with a short-cited ideology of conformity.
Person (who?):
→ Affirmation ultimately benefits the receiver. Affirmation is sacrificial in this way. It costs the giver something. You can’t offer a life-giving affirmation without doing your homework. In other words, you are going to have to be educated about the person to whom you are giving your affirmation. It requires curiosity, compassion, clarity, creativity…and these qualities all demand attentiveness and time.
→ Flattery ultimately benefits the giver. As I said above, flattery is usually a mistrusting strategy of self-protection. It isn’t vulnerable. Words of flattery are often anxious words spoken in an attempt to survive in an inauthentic relational system. The giver of flattery is anxiously working to keep the system in it’s homeostasis. At it’s core, flattery is about keeping a person safe. While it may seem to be propping up it’s object (receiver), flattery is ultimately a strategy whereby the speaker (giver) is avoiding the pain and hard work of honest affirmation.
Postscript (what else?):
• Affirmation, like gold and silver, is rare. If you find it in abundance, EUREKA! But it’s ok to sift through it a bit, ask some questions and ensure it’s real. If it’s real, the giver won’t mind you asking.
• The more authentically we live, the less flattery we receive. It’s ok. But sometimes it can feel lonely.
• If you have a friend who is in the ‘gut triad’ (enneagram talk) ask them to help you distinguish between the real gold and fools’ gold. (Warning: They might use a different word for flattery…sounds like shullbit)
• Proverbs 29:5 – “To flatter friends is to lay a trap for their feet.”
• Flattery can become an addiction…both giving it and receiving it. Let’s sober up.
• Affirmation requires a commitment to reality and flattery is often avoidant of reality. I love this line from The Road Less Traveled: “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” – M. Scott Peck
• Alliteration is a CrossPoint thing. Jim Cofield is an alliterative genius and taught me his ways.
• Thanks for reading. I appreciate your willingness to engage.
