I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY, GOODBYE,I SAY, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO
By Sally Roth
“Hello, Hello, I Don’t Know Why You Say Good-bye, I Say Hello”
Do you ever feel stuck in your marriage? Like you have been banging your now bloodied head against the wall to no avail. Do you ever experience having the same non-productive conversations over and over? The feelings of hurt, fear, loneliness, and shame swelling with no release valve in sight. Maybe it’s just me, but there are times, even seasons, where all the normal methods of communication and peaceful living are just not working.
I’m sure we could all use a good year or two of counseling to look deeper into our stories and to acknowledge how the major transitions and losses we have collectively experienced over the past 2-3 years are touching our wounds and fears. And thus, impacting the way we relate to one another. And I encourage those conversations. However, sometimes before we can dive into the vulnerability that the long game requires, we simply need a soft place to land, to catch our breath, to rebuild some trust that has perhaps been slowly worn down in the fray of suffering and time.
I wanted to share today one of my favorite strategies for climbing out of that stuck place together. This life tweak will make big impact for little effort, and can help couples signal good will toward one another, even in the midst of seasons of weariness and conflict. (I learned this from John Gottman’s 5 magic hours.)
Pay Attention to HELLOS & GOODBYES
Make eye contact, smile, and move closer physically when your significant other arrives homes or is heading out.
We all have a compelling need for significance and affirmation. When you are noticed and greeted upon entry to a room you are more likely to feel like you are welcome, like you belong.
The same need is filled when your leaving moves your significant other to acknowledge you.
Eye contact affirms personhood.
A smile communicates and openness towards you and your personhood.
A physical touch like a hug, smooch, or even just a squeeze on the arm might touch your compelling need for safety and will also create a chemical reward in your brain that is meant to reenforce that THIS is good, this is what you are created for relational connection!
Upon their departure maybe also consider saying a little prayer for them.
There’s no need to say something you don’t mean or be disingenuous. Even if I don’t understand you right now, I don’t agree with you, we are not in sync, or there’s a significant breach in trust between us. Taking time to acknowledge our person as they come and go is a simple and impactful way to communicate, I SEE YOU and YOU MATTER TO ME.
I could proceed to list all the barriers to executing this simple strategy. You know them, I know them… #1 our preoccupation & divided attention thanks to our TECHNOLOGY use. But there are a million other obstacles that keep us busy avoiding these kinds of moments with each other.
I challenge you to focus on reunions and departures with the people you love this week! I would be delighted to hear what impact you notice as you implement this small but mighty practice.
Send me your story at [email protected]
